Prince Juan Paco and the 'erpes

This was not written by me, nor do I find such banal humor funny. published with permission by - Guillermo Maria del Toro Gomez

Juan Paco was a handsome prince. So handsome in fact, that all the women of the swap meet swooned paisley when he glanced in their general direction. But none pleased him.

It was a fair spring day when Juan Paco heard soft weeping around his pistachio booth. Knowing that often women need emotional nurturance, he sprang to his feet and began searching for the source of the weeping, as it was not readily apparent to him having craned his neck around as far as possible.

After a few minutes of searching Juan Paco looked under his van and saw a mass of curls, not unlike his own. At first he thought it might be another prince but noticed the lumps of a woman and was instantly aroused. Not wanting to get his pants dirty, Juan Paco used some salted pistachios to lure the woman out from under the van.

She was filthy and after a few splashes of water Juan Paco began to see a face nearly as beautiful as his own, but the woman covered much of it and continued to cry.

“Baby,” said Juan Paco stroking her primped curls in admiration. “Why are chu so sad?” he asked in all sincerity, being the sensitive man he was.

“You do not love me!” cried the woman still hiding her face. “You fucked and left me for another,” she sobbed.

Juan Paco had heard this story before and sighed. Had he known she was un recipiente viejo de la esperma ('an old vessel of sperm'), he would have not treated her so kindly. But her primped curls made him eager to fill her with his seed once again, so he contained on.

“Baby,” he said as he continued to soother her hair, “I love chu like I love myself, only less so.”

“You don't mean that,” she said blowing snot on the ground.

“Yes, I do,” replied Juan Paco.

“If you loved me, chu would not have given me the 'erpes!” she screamed and pulled her hands away from her face, revealing skin covered in pussy oozing gross nasty boils.

As though struck by lightning, Juan Paco fell back in his chair and stared at the sun. It felt to him as thought each ray was beating down on him like bullets of guilt. Memories of the past forced their way into his mind, like women's cleavage at church. Everyone knew better than to have unprotected sex with the white wife of the white man, but Juan Paco could not resist. He figured it would be worth the disfigurement, but now he had become a non-symptomatic carrier of the gringo's curse, and passed it onto a Pacina nearly as beautiful as he.

By the time he came to his senses el Recipiente Viejo de la Esperma had committed suicide by choosing to live a meaningless life in the suburbs. But the feeling of guilt did not leave Juan Paco. Each woman he saw, he wanted to mount, but knew the result would be horrible. No longer did the result of his love making end only in paquisimos and broken hearts, but also the 'erpes. Having disfigured one so beautiful he could not do it again. And so, day after day Prince Juan Paco reigned in his sexual desire with Pavlovian regularity. Each time he noticed himself becoming aroused he forced himself to vomit by swallowing half of an old handkerchief then pulling it back out of his throat.

It wasn't long before he no longer needed the handkerchief and began to vomit on his own. Sadly, given the amount of salty foods a Paco eats, Juan Paco began to die of dehydration. Word spread and eventually El Rey Paco came to his booth.

“My paquito,” said El Rey as he tried to console Juan Paco. “What iz dis?” he said pointing to the bucket of vomit.

“El Rey, I am a carrier of the white man's disease,” cried Juan Paco.

“Chu mean you have the 'erpes?” asked El Rey in shock. “I told chu never to have sex with ....” El Rey paused and realized that it didn't matter. He had failed as a father. Holding his hands in his head he began to weep.

Juan Paco moved to hold his father's head, but El Rey pushed his hand away and whispered, “don't touch me with those hands.”

Juan Paco's heart sank as he watched El Rey cry, but just as Juan Paco was about to commit suicide by choosing to live a meaningless life in the suburbs, one of El Rey's Reinas approached the booth and began to console her man.

“There there, my big hansom king,” she said as she stroked his balding head.

After a moment, El Rey told her what was the matter and she began to laugh.

“Juan has the 'erpes?” she laughed.

“Why are chu laughing?” asked Juan Paco and El Rey in unison.

“Let me tell chu some'ting about the 'erpes,” said the El Reina to Juan Paco and El Rey.

Seeing them mesmerized by her breasts and Juan Paco nearly ready to vomit she continued, “Pacos and Pacinas deal successfully with the 'erpes all the time. In most cases, it is only a minor inconvenience. 'erpes often brings about some changes in one's sex life, such as abstaining from sex during outbreaks. For most people with the 'erpes, this occurs only a few times a year.”

“Since it iz important to be making paquisioms chu can not use a condom. All chu have todo is use a lubricante. This will decrease friction and make the viral particles less likely to adhere to new locations.“

“Baby?” asked El Rey. “How chu know all dis?”

“Chu gave me the 'erpes years ago baby,” she said as she patted him on the scrotum.

“No ...” breathed El Rey.

“See,” replied El Reina. “We all have the 'erpes. Iz ok.”

After some crying and had holding, El Rey and El Reina left Juan Paco at the pistachio booth, who was trying hard to love himself once again. But before long, Juan Paco contracted HIV and died.

So ends the story of Prince Juan Paco and the 'erpes.