Prince Juan Paco and los Cinco Paquisimos

This was not written by me, nor do I find such banal humor funny.
Published with permission by - Guillermo Maria del Toro Gomez

Juan Paco was a handsome prince. So handsome in fact, that all the women of the swap meet swooned paisley when he glanced in their general direction. But none pleased him.

It was a fair spring day when a paquito came running into Juan Paco's pistachio booth. Juan Paco feigned to ignore them while he primped his curls and pretending to count his bags of salted pistachios. Being ignored for so long, the paquito began to cry. Juan Paco knew it was his job to set an example and began to urinate behind his booth, making sure the size of his penis was visible. Finally, unsure what else he should do in the presence of the paquito, Juan Paco asked, “What iz it my paquito?”

Feeling brave, like a prince to be, the paquito stepped forward and spoke, “Prince Juan Paco?” then paused.

“Yes?” asked Juan Paco getting irritated.

“Chu know my mother?” the paquito asked.

“No, I don't know your mother,” replied Juan Paco with sarcasm.

“Well, my mother. She iz dead,” said the paquito as he began to cry.

“So, what iz the matter?” asked Juan Paco.

“My five baby bothers have no mother and the mothers of the other paquitos say that they can't take care of five more paquisimos,” cried the paquito.

This always happens, thought Juan Paco in irritation, and then they come running to me. “Can't chu see I am very busy here?” said Juan Paco, then looking around the swap meet, he spotted a Paco manning a sunglass booth. “Chu see that Paco over there,” he said pointing to the booth.

“Yes,” said the paquito.

“Go tell him, chu are his paquito, he'll find a mother for the paquisimos,” said Juan Paco feeling clever.

“But father! That Paco iz not a Prince!” cried the paquito when he saw the Paco's lack of primped curls, fine muscles and pants.

It was just then that a woman Juan Paco had never seen came strolling into the swap meet carrying a load of disposable diapers. She was a large woman, so large that each fold of her skin, Juan Paco imagined to be a shaved vagina. It was his dream come true.

Quickly primping his curls while moving his tongue in tight circles, Juan Paco began to strategize. He could see several Paco's taking notice of her rolls of skin and decided he had to act fast. Grabbing two bags of non-salted and one bag of salted pistachios, he used his large muscles to throw them into the aisle in front of her.

Startled by the pistachios then looking up to Juan Paco, the woman swooned paisley. Seeing her swoon, Juan Paco knew he had the upper hand and without ado pulled her and her load of diapers into his van. After several hours of love making, that was just super, the woman rolled over to face Juan Paco, pinning him to the floor.

“My name is María José,” she said and paused waiting for a response. But between her weight crushing him and his exhaustion due to lost semen, it impossible for him to talk.

“When I was a little girl,” she continued, “my mother found a box of artificial sweeteners behind Target and now I have diz thyroid problem!”

Juan Paco could barely pay attention to her, but when she mentioned Target he remembered the paquito. He had conceived several paquisimos behind that Target and the memories brought tears to his eyes. How can I let that little paquito and los cinco paquisimos down, he thought. But as his compassion began to grow for his offspring, the weight of María José's body began to suffocate him.

The paquito who was watching from the window saw as Juan Paco cease to breath and fell into despair. Now he had no mother and no father. Who will raise me and my brothers to become Pacos? he thought sadly, while watching the fat woman continue to talk to his dead father and eventually fall asleep.

The poor paquito knew what would happen when María awoke to find Prince Juan Paco dead, because it was the same thing that always happened. She would tell someone and they would tell someone else, until everyone knew. Then they would call El Rey Paco en Mexico on the telephone. He would get upset and come to the swap meet. He would tell all his Pacos to be more careful. Then one Paco, out of all the Pacos would be chosen as the next prince and given pants. It would be the one with the most primped curls, the fastest tongue, the largest penis and the name of Juan.

The poor paquito knew that without a father he and his brothers were doomed to work in the pistachio farm, hulling and salting pistachios until they died and have the chance to work a booth at the swap meet. The paquito couldn't let that fate be his own nor his brothers.

Looking back to the sunglass booth the paquito had an idea. Quickly he ran to get los cinco paquisimos. Telling each one to be very quiet and swaddling them tight in diapers, he placed them one by one into folds of María José's skin. Then he primped his curls and quietly lay himself on top of the exposed head of the dead Juan Paco. After what seemed like forever María awoke.

“I love myself,” said María coming out of a dream.

Deepening his voice the paquito answered, “I love you too baby, and now I have made chu pregnant with my pacquisimos.”

“Weren't you bigger before,” asked María rubbing her eyes.

“I was big enough, baby,” said the paquito. “Look,” he pointed at one of the pacquisimos who was emerging from her rolls.

“Oh my God!” screamed María “you put babies on me!?”

Confused, the paquito replied, “baby, I put pacquisimos on chu all over, and now chu are giving birth to them.”

With her mouth gaping open in shock María pulled los cinco pacquisimos out of her rolls, set them all in the passenger seat and awkwardly left the van, leaving the poor paquito alone. Once outside she began to scream for help. Paco's can running from all around the swap meet. A fat woman screaming from the Prince's van could only mean one thing.

“This man, or boy, I dunno. He put diz babies all over me,” cried María José.

Some of the Pacos grinned while other were disappointed, hoping to hear of the princes death.

“That was Juan Paco baby, of course he put babies all over chu,” said one of the Pacos while they all began to head back to their booths.

The paquito quickly hid the the body of Juan Paco under some pistachios and strutted out of the van wearing pants, just like a prince.

So ends the story of Prince Juan Paco and los Cinco Paquisimos.
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