Prince Juan Paco and the Abrahamic Covenant

This was not written by me, nor do I find such banal humor funny.

Published with permission by - Guillermo Maria del Toro Gomez


Looking over a map of the lands taken by his twelve princes, El Rey Paco saw that their kingdom of swap meets and pistachio fields were slowly encroaching on one another. In a few years time El Rey could foresee a massive battle amongst his princes who wore pants. Looking to advert this disaster El Rey thought to wage a contest of the Pacos. Each Prince would meet behind K-Mart and the Prince with the entourage showing the most devastating and stylish gang symbol would win dominion.

Meanwhile . . . .


“Baby, I can count to twelve without taking my clothes off,” said Juan Paco to his image in the mirror while primping his curls. Then as to answer himself, he swooned paisley like a women. Juan Paco was a handsome prince. So handsome in fact, that all the women of the swap meet swooned paisley when he glanced in their general direction. But none pleased him.

It was a fair spring day when a paquito wearing El Rey's special insignia came running into Juan Paco's booth and stood behind him, waiting for him to finish looking at himself in the mirror. Catching sight of the paquito, Juan Paco turned and displayed his penis to the paquito, as was the custom.

The paquito blushed and waited to be addressed as he was a well bred paquito of El Rey.

“Chu may speak,” said Juan Paco in a regal manner.

“El Rey Paco has waged a contest of Pacos,” said the paquito.

Considering this, Juan Paco flexed his muscles and sucked in his love belly. “So what iz dis contest paquito?”

“All the princes are to meet behind the K-Mart. The princes must bring their cholos and the gang with the most devastating and stylish gang symbol will win dominion over all of the swap meets and pistachio fields,” said the paquito in one breath.

Imagining all the women he would have access to along with their vaginae, Juan Paco felt his heart skip a beat. “Tell El Rey Paco that Prince Juan Paco will be there,” said the prince and slapped the paquito on the ass as the little Paco ran out of his booth.

Looking back to his mirror, Juan Paco mouthed the words devastating and stylish over and over, as he made various symbols and gestures with his fingers. By noon the best he had come up with was a V made by touching his elbows together and attempting to lick them. It was a sad but well known fact that not one Paco could lick his own elbow, so an attempted double lick of the elbows felt to Juan Paco a stylish representation of the devastation a Paco feels at the acknowledgment of physical limitations.

Feeling confident at his gang symbol Juan Paco gathered the other Pacos of the swap meet and taught them the move and its significance. After many high-fives and ass squeezes, the Paco went back to their booths and Juan Paco strutted back to his own. But along the way Juan Paco noticed a woman he had not been with. And after showing her his gang symbol she swooned paisley. Feeling confident, Juan Paco took her to his van, but instead of instantly ravishing her, he felt his mood shift. Feeling so confident in his gang symbol, he decided he would tease her with his penis.

He would poke its little head out of his zipper and when she made to grab it, he would poke it back in and laugh. He had never felt so sure of himself, but alas he was over zealous and one one occasion of poking the head of his penis back in his pants and zipping them up for effect, he caught his foreskin firmly in the zipper. The pain was too much to bear, and thinking to end it quickly he gave the zipper a mighty yank. But instead or releasing his penis, the mighty yank ripped the foreskin right off, and in unbearable agony Juan Paco fainted.

The woman screamed and ran from the van, and as usual all the Pacos came to gather the body. But as they began to move his body they began to hear him whimper as if in a dream, “I just need to chu to nurture me,” he said over an over. The Pacos set him down and were unusually happy to have a prince still alive, because of the glories they thought to be coming soon to them by winning the contest of the Pacos. Soon he regained consciousness and was given a Coke and a tortilla for dinner, then hurried over to the parking lot behind the K-Mart where the contest of the Pacos was about to begin.

El Rey Paco was pacing back and forth in front of the twelve Paco gangs each with a handsome prince. Once Juan Paco arrived with his entourage, El Rey smiled and stroked his mustachio. “As chu know my paquitos,” started El Rey in a fatherly tone. “The free market economy and plenitude of women has blessed us by multiplying my seed like the many grains of sand. But this, I am afraid, has a cost. There is not enough room for you, my handsome princes, to each have there your own land of women whom swoon paisley. Therefore I have brought you all here today to have a contest of the Pacos. Those showing the most devastating and stylish gang symbol will win dominion. Chu may begin.”

At this, all the gangs began placing their elbows together and attempting to lick them. Realizing that all the princes had come up with the same stylish and devastating symbol, several of the princes began to break down in tears, while others tried even harder to touch their tongues to their elbows. Juan Paco was too bewildered to know what to do, due to his loss of blood and merely stood there with his entourage and watched the mayhem.

Seeing that Juan Paco was the only prince not trying to lick his elbows, El Rey came over to him. “Show me your symbol Juan,” said El Rey sternly.

Having the authority of El Rey staring down at him, Juan Paco began to form a slight erection. And due to the incredible pain of his raw penis touching his pants, he pulled them down. Seeing his mangled penis, all the Pacos gasped in horror.

“Chu cut your penis essay!?” cried the Pacos in horror.

“Juan Paco, cutting off ones foreskin is the most bad ass stylish and devastating gang symbol I have ever seen,” said El Rey in reverence.

And so it was that Juan Paco won dominion over the all the swap meets and pistachio fields. But as he began to cut the foreskin from baby paquisimos, he was murdered by Pacos who thought it was child abuse.

So ends the story of Prince Juan Paco and the Abrahamic Covenant.