Prince Juan Paco and the Dance of the Cacafuego

This was not written by me, nor do I find such banal humor funny.

Published with permission by - Guillermo Maria del Toro Gomez

Juan Paco was a handsome prince. So handsome in fact, that all the women of the swap meet swooned paisley when he glanced in their general direction. But none pleased him.

What started as a fair spring day rapidly turned into blistering heat. Juan Paco's curls were sagging and his muscles did not bulge, but to his delight he heard the swap meet's cow bells begin to ring, indicating a contest was soon to begin.

It was the custom amongst the Paocs, on very hot days, to have a pepper eating contest. By the time Juan Paco arrived at the source of the cow bell, ten Pacos were already sitting at a long fold-out table and paquitos were counting out peppers. Taking his seat at the head of the long table, Juan Paco began to pucker his lips and practice not gagging on his finger.

Withing a few minutes the paquitos brought out a tray of red and orange habanero chile peppers for each Paco, including Juan Paco, and with a ring of the cowbell the contest began. Juan Paco, being a prince, knew the secret of pepper eating, which is not to chew; thereby releasing less of the pepper's oils into ones mouth.

So by first stoking the pepper along his greasy hair then swallowing them whole, Juan Paco was in an easy lead. But alas, two of the other Pacos were catching onto Juan Paco's strategy and were gaining on him fast. So excited were these two Pacos at the prospect of beating a prince, that they began to shove multiple peppers at once down their throats.

Juan Paco was beginning to sweat profusely, as he was starting to feel the effects of the peppers full force. Thankfully the sweat began to evaporate as soon as he produced it, causing him to feel nice and cool, and with a clear mind and the determination of a prince, Juan Paco redoubled his efforts.

No one had ever seen such a contest before. The two Pacos and the prince gobbled down tray after tray of peppers as if they could go on forever. Sadly, one of the Pacos began to choke and since not one Paco one knew the Heimlich Maneuver he died. Undeterred, the remaining Paco and the Prince continued on. After nearly two hundred and forty three peppers, the Paco passed out and died in his own vomit. Happily the cow bells rang for the winner, but Juan Paco could barley stand. Several paquitos carried him to a porto potty and sang carols to his greatness.

Nearly unconscious, Juan Paco began to squeeze his intestines with all his might, knowing the he must remove the peppers before they had little pepper peppisimos inside him. Drop by drop, the pepper's oils traveled through his intestine and made his butt hole feel as if it were on fire. This famous shitting became known as the dance of the cacafuego.

Late into the night, Juan Paco danced the cacafuego. At times he nearly gave up, but his strong will and occasional erection pushed him forward. Not beging able to move from the toilet, Juan Paco began for the first time to read El Mecánicos Populares magazine; which is what Pacos use for toilet paper. It spoke of a refrigerador using freon gas that could be powered with electricity. The concept made Juan Paco's mind reel with possibilities.

By morning he was able to stand up while wincing from the 3rd degree burns on his anus, and with determination he procured the necessary freon and compressor. Using an old television he began to release the gas into it making a cool area where he could place his ass. Then upon inspiration he traded some salted pistachios for a fresh horchata, placed a stick in it and thereby invented the horchata-pop, so that he might place it inside his burnt rectum.

So soothing was the the horchata-pop, that within days Juan Paco was ready for the next contest. Word had spread throughout all the swap meets of Juan Paco's pepper eating feat; even onto the ears of the world champion herself, Chocho Maria del Fuega. Who, with all haste came to challenge Juan Paco.

The contest between Prince Juan Paco and Chocho Maria del Fuega was too monotonous to describe, and shall therefore be left out of this brief history. But suffice to say, after a long battle of wills, each using their special talents, they tied. Neither dared to eat one more pepper, and together they began to dance the cacafuego. Writhing in pain, the only thing that saved their lives was the sharing of the blessed horchata-pop, and from that day forth their bond was the strength of twelve sequential monogamous relationships.

But alas it was not meant to be. Chocho Maria del Fuega had been eating habanero chile peppers for so long that her vagina could only secrete the oil of the chile for lubrication. So picante was her vagina, that while try as mightily as he could, Juan Paco could not insert his penis into it. But upon desperation one night Juan Paco dove deep inside her and it was just super. But as soon as he pulled out he felt as though his penis would melt like the blessed horcata-pop. Seeing no other recourse he placed his penis inside his makeshift refrigerador. At first it was cool, then cold, then icy. Juan Paco realized his penis had become stuck and was slowly becoming frost bitten. No matter how hard he pulled, he could not free himself, and so he died.

So ends the story of Prince Juan Paco and the Dance of the Cacafuego