Prince Juan Paco and the El Hombre De La Basura Blanca

This was not written by me, nor do I find such banal humor funny.
Published with permission by - Guillermo Maria del Toro Gomez


Juan Paco was a handsome prince. So handsome in fact, that all the women of the swap meet swooned paisley when he glanced in their general direction. But none pleased him.

It was a fair spring day and Juan Paco was eating some pistachios at his booth when a piece of paper wafted though air toward him. About to wad it into a ball Juan Paco noticed there was a picture of a woman on it. She was bending backwards over a man wearing tight dance pants. Juan Paco was instantly jealous and desired to find out more, but sadly Juan Paco could not read the white-speak.

Quickly he stood, letting a pile of pistachio shells fall off his belly and skipped over to el hombre de la basura blanca with a bag of salted pistachios. El hombre de la basura blanca was asleep at his booth when Juan Paco arrived. With his mouth gaping open Juan Paco could see the white man's rotting teeth and swollen gums.

Juan Paco tossed the bag of salted pistachios on el hombre de la basura blanca's table next to several He Man and Barbie figurines. But this didn't wake el hombre de la basura blanca, as was Juan Paco's intention, as he was very much hung over. Distracted by the figurines, Juan Paco began to put them in every sexual pose he knew. Using Barbies long silky hair as butt floss for He Man while giving himself a wet oreo, made Juan Paco giggle and feel like he was a little paquisimo again.

El hombre de la basura blanca awoke to find Juan Paco choking on Barbie's head while apparently trying to see how far he could push her down his throat. But before he could react Juan Paco lay dead on the pavement. Soon other Pacos came to take Juan Paco's body. They took some time to note how deep the Barbie had become lodged in Juan Paco's throat so they could pass on the information to other Pacos. And after some time el hombre de la basura blanca was left alone to contemplate the sad end of such a hansom prince. His figurines we covered in different fluids and in positions that he had never thought of. While cleaning them off he found the piece of paper which was being used as a codpiece for He Man. After letting it dry el hombre de la basura blanca noticed the woman's picture and began to read the white-speak as only he knew the art.

Above the picture of the couple were the words Dry-Hump in bold letters, and below the picture read as follows: 'Dry-Hump is a partner dance form based on the physical principles of touch, momentum, shared weight, and most quintessentially - following a shared point of dry contact. This dance practice explores the skills of falling, rolling, counterbalance, lifting using minimal effort, humping, breathing techniques, and responsiveness to our partners and surroundings. Dry-Hump is a sweaty and sweet surrendering that happens when our bodies stay faithful to what is happening in the moment. Dry-Hump is best described as unicorns dancing to a rainbow of love.'

Wow, thought the poor whitey as he read on. Apparently there was a class near the swap meet starting that night. Excited at the idea of being able to touch a woman without paying her money, he began scrambling around his cardboard box to find the appropriate attire. Finding no fabulous dancing pants as the man in the picture had, el hombre de la basura blanca had to improvise. Taking out his sewing machine, he began to make pants out of the only fabric he had, which happened to consist of several American flags and stuffed animals. By evening he was ready. The final product was a stylish expose of American pomp and liberty, complete with a cod piece made from a small stuffed puppy.

Nearly late for the class el hombre de la basura blanca ran at full speed across the street, around the Safeway, behind the alley and past several other Basura Blanca's roasting cans of soup and pushing the corks of Trader Joe's wine bottles in. The smell made el hombre very hungry, but on he pressed into the night arriving at the the small studio mentioned on the flier.

He was nervous at first but as soon as he put his foot in the door a young beautiful woman hugged him. Her breasts pressing against his chest and his cod piece rose uncontrollably. Looking down at the small furry animal poking her in the crotch she laughed and brought him into the studio. Twelve students had formed a circle along with the teacher, who happened to be the woman who had hugged him.

Smiling, but feeling very insecure el hombre de la basura blanco began to perspire with the smell of rotten cabbage. To which, at his great surprise, everyone enjoyed the smell of.

Taking a deep breath, the teacher began. “So lets take a minute to go around with names and check in about your body.”

“Adam,” breathily spoke the man to her left.

“Adam” repeated the entire group in unison.

“I'm feeling good, but I bruised my ankle playing frisbee the other day,” said Adam, “But I'll be alright,” he continued and smiled serenely at the woman to his left.

Then after a brief pause, “Jennifer,” said the woman to his left.

“Jennifer,” repeated the group.

At this el hombre de la basura blanco began to day dream about can's of soup, wine and the feeling of being touched by a woman. His puppy began to rise until he noticed an awkward silence in the room. Realizing everyone was waiting for his name, he blurted it out, along with a squeaky fart.

“El hombre de la basura blanco,” repeated the group a bit awkwardly then waited again.

“I feel,” said el hombre and paused, “I feel,” he started again but realized he didn't really know how he felt.

The teacher broke in softly, “el hombre de la basura blanco, close your eyes and feel, your body.”

At her prompting el hombre de la basura blanco closed his eyes. Of course there were aches and pains all over his poor body. From his rotten teeth to his itching anus there was not a part of him that did not exemplify a poor wild animal unable to care for itself. But none of these things were out of the ordinary to him, the only new sensation he could really feel was the need to hump.

“Hump,” said el hombre de la basura blanco a bit hesitantly.

“Well great, let's get going a bit,” said the teacher. “Choose a partner near you and go ahead and stand back to back.”

El hombre de la basura blanco suddenly noticed that all the women in the room were taken and he was standing next to a large harry man. With a smile and a graceful swagger the big harry man pressed his back against el hombre. At first el hombre de la basura blanco was afraid of being anally raped, as was what happened when he normal found a man touching his backside, but then as nothing happened, and the teacher suggested they lean more and more against each other, el hombre de la basura blanco began to feel warm and safe.

“If you're dancing physics, you're hump-dancing. If you're dancing chemistry, you're doing something else,” said the teacher smoothly. This made no sense to el hombre de la basura blanco. He began to close his eyes and gently sway his hips as he and his partner began to dry hump their buttox together.

The motion, made el hombre de la basura blanco's cod piece rise and fall, which aroused him greatly, and soon the teacher had the group switch partners and try a new exercise. This time el hombre de la basura blanco was paired with a woman of great beauty, and was asked to gently balance on top of her. She bent over to all fours and very gently el hombre de la basura blanco placed his puppy dog on her back and began to balance on it. It was just super. So super that el hombre de la basura blanco could not help but gently hump her.

After nearly and hour of dry humping el hombre de la basura blanco was exhausted physically and emotionally. His puppy dog felt raw and bruised but happy. But as the teacher brought the group back to a closing circle el hombre de la basura blanco began to feel a sinking feeling; as though this heaven of dry humping would come to nothing.

“It was wonderful to see you all. Hump Dance is an honoring of every moment. There is a sweet surrendering that happens when our bodies stay faithful to what is happening in the now. I hope to see you all next week, let all hold hands for a moment,” said the teacher in a breathy voice.

“No!” shouted el hombre de la basura blanco, and everyone turned to see what the commotion was. “Mojado, “ (Mexican for wet), was all he could say while pointing to his puppy dog.

“Let's talk afterward ok?” answered the teacher curtly and closed the class. He couldn't understand how the other men in the class could just leave without fulfilling the urge to ejaculate. Staring at his sore puppy dog he felt so lonely. Once everyone had gone with hugs and farewells el hombre de la basura blanco was left with the teacher.

“El Hombre,” started the teacher in a caring tone while patting him on the head. “I know you want to be in the moment with your physical needs, but mojado leads toward danger. It leads toward hurt feelings and jealousy. It leads toward babies and STDs” the teacher paused again, “do you understand what I am saying?”

“But,” started el hombre de la basura blanco then paused, “my liquids need to be nurtured?”

The teacher sighed and sat down next to him. “El hombre, you need to learn to nurture yourself in that way or find yourself a partner. Dry Humping is just Dry. We try to build a community that meets people's needs but can only go so far.”

With that, they said their goodbyes and el hombre de la basura blanco walked slowly and sadly to Trader Joes and bought a four dollar bottle of wine. Then even more slowly and more sadly he walked behind the Safeway and found a young girl asleep. In exchange for the bottle, she sucked him off, and after ejaculating all over himself he fell into a deep sleep.

So ends the story of Prince Juan Paco and the El Hombre De La Basura Blanca.